My first Tae Kwon Do class, and the basic components of a fitness class.

At age 14, I was kicked off my high school's cheerleading squad for sucking at algebra, and having a "bad attitude" in said algebra class. Because you know, math is one of the most important skills in cheerleading.

Needing a new activity, and an attitude adjustment, I took up karate. I loved it! I especially loved that within the magical boundaries of the karate studio, it was ok to kick and punch people to my hearts content.

Fast forward about one hundred years, to last Saturday: I had my first Tae Kwon Do class. Since my ACE study guide says I should have knowledge of the basic components of  a fitness class. I thought I would walk through my first class by component. Here it goes:

Warm-up: I show up to class, and I am the only no0b-ass white belt there, with a bunch of black belts. To make matters worse, they are almost all frigin' teenagers! So now, not only do I have no idea what I am doing, I am also old. I start my warm-up by hauling my geriatric ass around the room for a few laps. Then, the instructor tells us to side step around the room. Everyone else in the class is like eleven feet tall, and making one stride to my three. Gawd I'm slow. "Stop, now run backwards." And I'm like:

I suck even more at running backwards. After that humiliation, we line up for a series of mountain climbers and jumping over stuff. One of the things we had to jump over was a classmate's legs. I stepped on that girls legs three times. Sorry girl.

Conditioning: Lots of kicking drills, not too bad. Then we did some partner work with bags, AKA: "hold this while I kick the shit out of it, and I might miss a few times and damn near take your head off." The girl I stepped on was once again my partner, and I'm pretty sure she was getting her revenge.

Cool Down: I learned a bit of my first form. I only had to be shown like a thousand times. It was early and I hadn't had any coffee.

Flexibility: Pwned. Not a single one of those young whippersnappers could do the splits! Not even close. 

I used to be a cheerleader.

Hi! I'm Inappropriate!

Part of a Group Fitness Instructor's job is selecting appropriate music for each workout session. Does this mean I can't just play "Low" by Flo Rida, fifteen times in a row, like I do for my own workouts?

Well timed booty slaps raise aerobic intensity by 14%.*


According to the exam content outline, I should know something about music licensing laws. Group fitness classes in a for-profit situation, are considered public performance. Playing my legally-downloaded copy of "Low" in class is a copyright violation! Luckily most fitness centers have a blanket license, covering the music played by their instructors.

Another option would be to purchase music that is specially licensed for use in fitness classes. Pre-fab programs like Zumba, often come with their own licensed music.

The book also mentions using a drum machine or synthesizer to create your own music. WAY too much work! WAIT, would that give me an excuse to buy one of those awesome 80's keyboard-guitar thingies? Please say yes.

Other considerations besides not getting sued:

Volume:

I must bump "Low" at a volume below 85 decibels. That's slightly louder than an alarm clock (80 dB), but much quieter than a chainsaw (100 dB).

Tempo:

Music slower than 100 beats per minute (BPM) should be used for yoga, Pilates and stretching.

Beginner step training, low impact aerobics and hip-hop classes should use music with 100-122bpm.

122-129bpm is appropriate for conditioning, advanced step, low-mid impact aerobics, dance and aquatic exercise.


Mid-High impact aerobics, trampoline and martial arts classes should use music that has 130-160bpm.


'Low' is 130bpm, and would only be acceptable for strip-aerobics. (You can use this handy free Iphone app to figure out the BPM of any song.)

Lyrics and Content:

Any song that discusses giving a woman $3000 for adult activities, is probably not appropriate. Lyrics such as "All you alcoholics, where you at?" should also be avoided. That pretty much rules out all my favorite songs.


*Yeah, not really.